Autism, Neurodiversity, 3 Poems... 2 Rando Manifestos
Content Note: trauma, sexual assault, self-harm, rage, transformative therapy moments + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice… 71.
Content Note: trauma, sexual assault, self-harm, rage, transformative therapy moments + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice… 71.
1953.
Manifesto #1
I was Born Autistic. Not to be Fixed… To Raise Hell.
I'm autistic. Born 1953.
I was not a product of a vaccine.
I was not a product of disease. Mental or physical.
I was not a mistake. Genetic or epigenetic.
I was not born to be fixed by CBT, pill or chip.
I was not born to be pitied.
I was born to raise Hell. Autistic style.
The static never stops.
Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise
#AskingAuDHDists…
bear with me a minute.
I'm autistic+ADHD.
71.
i feel like
a brilliant creative soul
as if…
trapped in a damaged body
& neurology
trying to communicate
with the world
through an intermittently
short-circuiting transistor radio
playing through static
& the distortiotion
& sparking circuits…
to just be heard.
do you understand at all what I mean?
#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #ReallyAuDHD
Sometimes? The mask slips…
AFTER THE SECRET
I have strengths.
Not one is my superpower.
I have challenges.
Not one is my kryptonite.
I'm that kid in third grade
Drop drop dropping
A mysterious blue crystal
Into that test tube—
Squealing in delight
Every time it explodes…
In purple streams.
I love cosplay.
But I don’t have to fly
Wear a mask
Or sport a cape
To be autistic.
Still…
I get to be the hero
or bald evil genius
of my own life.
Session #137. When memory breaks.
The Body Abides
"Like I told you
Nothing really happened
Can't sleep is all…."
He repeats his view,
"The body watches.
The body ALWAYS
Fucking watches."
"Yeah, he kissed me
Fathers do that.
Yeah, it was weird but…."
He whispers me,
"Your body, your witness.
And this witness ALWAYS
Fucking watches."
Then he leans in…
"What if he'd kissed
your sister's lips…?"
"I'd fucking kill him."
That's when…
i see me
in his mirror
watching myself
watch my self
transparently autistic
a son no more,
yet the body…
abides.
rage
dark rage
Screaming RAGE
i'd fucking kill him
fucking kill him
kill him
him.
i rise…
so
slowly
and fucking smash that mirror
i rock, i sway…
i rub one red eye.
i stand, I stare…
I sigh, I say,
"My body watches
The body ALWAYS
Fucking watches…,"
As I close his office door…
I abide.
Decades later. Still raising hell.
Manifesto #2
Now… About That Autistic Hell We Was Talking about Raising…
We ask awkward questions. And find new answers.
We see different. Make electrifying connections.
We feel patterns. To larger truths.
We are passionate
We adapt.
Survive.
Disrupt.
Transform…
Raising a fat middle finger
To normal.
Now, that’s the kinda hell… I’m talking about raising.
How’s about neurodivergent you?
Written in rage. Published in hope. December 2024. Greene County, Indiana.
Very powerful writing. Indeed, the body always watches, and the body always remembers.
I believe I understand the feelings and the sense of obstructed communication you are expressing, but as always, I can't claim to truly understand an experience I'm not neurologically wired to have, since I'm not neurodivergent (unless OCD and an obsession with suicide count).
Hi Johnny. It has been a long time. I have been through disappears form of what you could call autistic hell has anyone can imagine for the past several years.
I have not even touched or looked at Artfully Autistic since I'm not sure when, but the last thing that I published on Medium was "Autistically, We Soldier On" (July 9th, 2022.)
I wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me, but I was too Autistically sick to do that. I'm talking a severely long period of Autistic Burnout, Shut down, and even Regression. The regression was the hardest of all and has been because it includes a complete loss of skills you once knew and a complete loss of all executive functioning.
Many people (including so-called Autism experts) believe that Regression is something that only Autistic children experience, but it can happen at any point during an Autistic person's life.
Cynthia Kim, owner of the blog "Musings of an Aspie" has an article about Autistic Regression, which she refers to ( and I think more appropriately) "Fluid Adaptation."
The trajectory can be long and you never come back to the level that you were before but it includes a complete or partial loss of previously learned skill sets, decline in cognition, more intense and more frequent meltdowns, a partial or total depletion of all aspects of Executive Functioning – All of which I experienced and it took me down fast and it took me down hard.
It can be so severe (and for me it was) that it will affect every aspect of your life
It was that bad, and it still is bad. But, I am slowly...very slowly coming out of it – I hope.
I was unable to maintain ArtfullyAutistic at all, and I felt bad because I was two autistically sick to be able to let anybody know what was going on with me.
During all this time my life was a life that was much less than merely existing but closer to a slower form of being dead. That's the best way I can put it but it is pure Hell.
I've been reading a lot of your Substack posts and podcasts.
You know, and I don't usually tell people things like this, but sometimes, it's time to be totally transparent, wholehearted, and real. In fact, this is the way people should always be.
So, I just wanted you to know that you were my favorite Writer on ArtfullyAutistic, and you still are. You've got real talent and you got that unique johnny-ness that lets you shine out amongst all the others. Just you. Real talk about being Autistic as F**k Out Loud, All Over the Place.
I haven't published anything anywhere since 2020?
Hmm...
"If you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further.
You remember the name of the town, don't you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels.
I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready.
Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
I will be hoping that
this letter finds you, and finds you well."
Your friend,
Keira Fulton-Lees
Artfully Autistic Advocate for Autism
p.s. - If the end of this post may be a little confusing, here's a hint:
One of my all time favorite movies is "The Shawshank Redemption"