I’m writing a memoir… out loud. Building a book. Fragment by fragment. Just like I lived it.
I told a small, self-deprecating… white lie.
To get out of committing to volunteering for a new project.
My bad.
You see? I had history with this person. Co-founder of an advocacy nonprofit.
Small. Neurodivergency-affirming.
Big ideas. Little organization.
“I’m not sure I’m the right guy for your project. I just can’t seem to do something… this big… anymore.” I just want to gracefully bow out. Yet not hurt feelings. Or challenge them.
I plow on gamely, “Maybe we can chat once in a while…?”
“Sure you can! I know you can do it!” That zeal of a new convert to pop psychology. Rapid-fire words ricocheting out of my headset. “You just have imposter syndrome. I know. Because I do too! I have this book you could read…”
I tried to be gentle. “My friend, I don’t have a syndrome of any kind. I’m just telling the truth. No need for diagnosis.”
It went rapidly downhill from there.
Let’s say, I felt immediate… unease.
While we were talking. But I didn’t know why. Yet.
But like a persistent smell neurodivergent-dot-me can never ignore… that feeling lingered.
Building as I replay the conversation over and over.
Then it takes days to recover.
Before I can work on my projects again.
Because what I experienced? Some label “benevolent ableism.” I call it soft-core discrimination. Trying to look like… kindness.
I’ll never know their motivation. I won’t risk the pain of asking.
You see? “Kind” words can do real damage.
All you really gotta do to cause pain? Simply speak in the grammar of help… then act out the logic of condescension.
That’s it.
Some research supports this… catch-22. Patronizing support? It’s one of the most common, damaging, and invisible acts one human can perpetrate on another disabled human. That I know.
Cuz it’s deniable. So at best, socially dangerous to challenge. A lot like an unwanted, ambiguous… intimate… gesture. From an acquaintance. And queasiness has only gotten worse for me with every ambiguous human interchange.
The weapon and pain metaphors I use in the performance piece? Intentional.
Cuz the escalation you may experience?
These. Are. My. Reality.
This ain’t about an additional diagnosis. Or a personality flaw. It is about me being autistic-as-fuck me.
Yeah. I may be a tad more sensitive to condescension than the Average Bear. Just like I need sunglasses. Even on many cloudy days.
Which ought to be actually advocated for.
Not patronized.
By an advocate.
Or employer.
Or loved one.
Cuz this is not something I can self-help-guru my way out of. Or be trained to control through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Like I need one more thought to exhaustingly monitor. Monitoring that could never “cure” my sensory issue with smells. Or my freaking balance problems. Least of all my condescension trauma…
So, the only guiding principle I must remember when I navigate social or professional waters…
“I must honor my limits. Or they will disable me.”
One last thing…
I wrote this about my real experiences as an autistic professional. In a world unkind to difference.
But my guess? Folks from any “disadvantaged” background may see themselves in it.
Let’s build on that kinship. Maybe make a change. Together.
Intro
Content Note: Contains descriptions of everyday condescension… and opinions. That may resonate uncomfortably for autistic, neurodivergent, and… other people.
The Cruelest Knife Leaves No Scar
You never feel the cruelest knife
Poison-tipped with a pat on the head
A smugly… gentle… smile
Words so softly, warmly… said.
He only said…
“You’re flourishing.
Even with autism.
Good on you.”
Judgment is like napalm
Dropped benignly… safely… from on high
Burning invisibly… under my skin.
She casually said…
“You got imposter syndrome.
I got this book…?”
Or some radiant dirty bomb
Parachuting slyly… tenderly…
Silently melting my guts inside.
The manual simply read…
“Neurodivergents
think outside the box.
That makes them perfect…
for certain tasks.”
Leaving a foul smell in the air
Mustard gas masquerading…
Like piercing gas-station incense
Labelled... blindingly, “Stay Calm.”
Stealth Weapons of Mass Humiliation
Or casual toxic caring
Preening in plain sight
Don’t breed even sullen gratitude
Just resentment. Rebellion.
Sometimes?
The worship of tyrants.
You never feel the cruelest knife
No, Not right away.
A slice so sharp it leaves no scar
So weird… that instant shapes my life.
If this excerpt grabbed you… more here: The Book: Frag by Frag.
This is Fragment 4 of my upcoming autobiography, My Autistic Life is My Art, arriving Fall 2026.
I’m building a book out loud. Fragment by fragment. Just like I lived it.
The Next Act
Don’t trust a corporate algorithm’s decision about whether you get to see the next excerpt or not.
Join my Substack for free… and the next fragment comes straight to your inbox. And you get a free digital download of my complete poetry chapbook.
Why I Write My Autobiography
I’m only an expert on my own life. Born 1953, diagnosed at 63. Your mileage will vary.
Individual minority voices speaking truth out loud? They build bridges to mainstream readers. Think Malcolm X. Think Maya Angelou, Think Janet Mock’s Redefining Realness.
This Fall, I hope to deliver that kind of impact, that power with My Autistic Life is My Art. For our neurodivergent community.
Since 2019 I’ve published a quarter of a million words. Over half the size of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Gotta be a pony somewhere in that shit.
Readings for Your Deeper Dive
Not exhaustive. Just sources that made me think.
Benevolent Ableism
“Consequences of Confronting Patronizing Help for People with Disabilities” Harvard Kennedy School Government and Applied Psychology Lab · January 2023
https://gap.hks.harvard.edu/consequences-confronting-patronizing-help-people-disabilities-do-target-gender-and-disability-type“Misguided Gestures of a Condescending Kindness” Radical Accessible Communities · July 2013
https://radicalaccessiblecommunities.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/misguided-gestures-of-a-condescending-kindness/
Ableist Microaggressions
“Ableist Hostility Disguised as Friendliness” Real Social Skills · January 2016
https://realsocialskills.org/2016/01/08/ableist-hostility-disguised-as-friendliness/“Ableist-Microaggressions Towards People with Disabilities” REDIS / CEDID · n.d.
https://redis.cedid.es/index.php/redis/article/download/1161/568/
Discriminatory Gaslighting vs. Imposter Syndrome
“Imposter Syndrome, Or Something Else? Historian Talks Discriminatory Gaslighting” NPR · May 2021
https://www.npr.org/2021/05/09/995172973/imposter-syndrome-or-something-else-historian-talks-discriminatory-gaslighting“Imposter Syndrome in Neurodiversity” The Rowan Well · December 2024
https://www.therowanwell.co.uk/blog/imposter-syndrome-in-neurodiversity
Performative Allyship & Movement Co-optation
“Performative Neurodiversity – the Appropriation and Watering Down of a Human Rights Movement for Profit” Therapist Neurodiversity Collective · May 2024
https://therapistndc.org/performative-neurodiversity-the-appropriation-and-watering-down-of-a-human-rights-movement-for-profit/“Performative Allyship Within Capitalist Systems” Neurodiverging · January 2024
https://www.neurodiverging.com/performative-allyship-within-capitalist-systems/
Autistic Identity, Masking & Ableism (Research)
“Understanding Autistic Identity Contingencies” PubMed Central · December 2025
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12804416/“The Division Between Neurodiversity Advocates and The Rest of the World” Neuroclastic · January 2026
https://neuroclastic.com/nd-nt/
Counterpoint / Complicating Perspectives
“Make Neurodiversity Boring” Boston Review · June 2025
https://www.bostonreview.net/forum/the-future-of-neurodiversity/make-neurodiversity-boring/“The Definitional Problems at the Heart of the Neurodiversity Movement” STAT News · November 2025
https://www.statnews.com/2025/11/24/neurodiversity-movement-neurotypical-definitional-problems/
Weapon Metaphor & Language (Supporting Context)
“The Metaphor as Weapon” Harvard Political Review · February 2015
https://harvardpolitics.com/metaphor-weapon/“Weaponizing Words: War Metaphors and Public…” UIN Malang e-Journal · June 2025
https://ejournal.uin-malang.ac.id/index.php/humbud/article/view/32376
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