Slouching Toward Joy: My Best 6 Phases To An Actually Autistic Relief

In my 70s, I face the reality of my autism...

In my 70s, I face the reality of my autism. It’s a raw journey. No miracles. No hacks. But daily, gritty acceptance. And moments of radiant joy in the authentic self.

“Maybe I’m Autistic. And Just MayBE, I’m Not,” original digital illustration by author.

🚨Content note: strong emotion, profanity, opinionated, disturbing images, mental illness, death…

🎙Podcast here. Listen free.🎧

Intro

In this AutisticAF Out Loud? Let’s explore living authentically autistic… after adult diagnosis.

Hi, I’m Johnny Profane.

I share how I found relief at age 70. My 6 phases, my challenges, my joys… and my tips.

How I embraced my neurodiversity. Dealt with sensory overload. Talked to others about my autism… and found my own tribe.

Are you autistic, care about one… wonder if you are one…?

This epi may help you find your own solutions… quicker than me.

Join me on this journey… slouching toward joy. Let’s celebrate our differences together!

Don’t forget! Help all autistic writers,, artists, podcasters beat the social media algorithm… always hit subscribe & like. Biggest thing you can do to get the word out!

Transcript

“Autistic” and “joy”? Not two words I’d ever throw together. Not before diagnosis. Not after. Until a certain blog post… which, for the life of me, I can’t find again. So details may be a little hazy…

It’s maybe 2 years after Doctor Mike diagnosed me autistic.

I’m still doing that Late-Diagnosis Hard Bop Jitterbug in my head. To the beat, “So-Maybe-I-Am, Just-May-BE-I’m-Not.” Hopping from one mental foot to another. Always landing on the wrong offbeat. Flailing around off-balance…

“Maybe I’m Autistic. And Just MayBE, I’m not,” original digital illustration by author.

Great. Maybe I am officially autistic. My life still sucks…

So… yet again I’m buried in a blog post on autism. Grabbing a few minutes madly scrolling my phone in the car. My wife’s running an errand in JoAnn’s.

We separated the year before but became friends again. It’d be another two years before we regroup as a couple.

In the post I’m scanning, a young autistic software developer talks career struggles. Mostly, other humans.

Toward the end, she drops a notion new to her… autistic joy. And how… surrounded by all her difficulties… she was struck by the joy in the moments she spent alone, focused on coding. Probly Python…

Joy? Seemed ridiculous at first. To me…

Johnny in burnout. Personal photo.

Most blogs? I read “burnout”… and I nod my head, “yes.”

Failing at parties… I nod my head. Following all the rules, still failing at everything…? Freaking bang my head.

I made 3 trips to the psych ward in my life. Ya know, suicide watch.

Autistic joy? That’s wack. Cringeworthy… But something about her article stuck in my craw.

“Knox Rox,” by Jennifer White-Johnson.

I hit Twitter and search “#autisticjoy.”

Bang. Jen White-Johnson, an Afro-Latina artist and educator. She moves me when she writes about her son Knox. Especially his infectious joy in his interests, his triumphs, the weather…

Something called to me…
Forgotten memories…
3rd grade, just me and my chemistry set in the basement…
2nd-grade library, sitting alone, devouring mythology & juvie sci-fi…
Collecting polliwogs on a brisk, early-spring morning, I’m 9…
Dancing in every rainstorm til at least 7 years old…

Ya know, joy was everywhere when I was a kid.

I felt it. I blurted it out to anyone who would listen. Say, about my realistic dinosaur models… in detail…

But they always walked away. Eventually…

Seems my joy wasn’t the right joy.
Wrong reasons.
Wrong place.
Too loud. Too long.
Unacceptable.
To anyone in my life.

“Sister Pretty-Handy-with-that-Ruler,” original digital illustration by the author. Midjourney helped…

So I learned to ignore my joy… deny it… forget it…

Wait. That doesn’t cut it. That’s not what “masking” was like. See, I didn’t “grow out” of my childish joy.

No.
I didn’t just kill it.
I stuck a stake through its heart.
Buried it back behind some shed in my memory.
And let it rot there.

So y’all could feel comfortable around me…

Without my joy.

“The Stake,” original illustration by the author, based on my Midjourney prompt.

Hey, if you were just diagnosed autistic as an adult… Or care about someone? Or still on the fence yourself… maybe you’re autistic, maybe you’re not?

You gotta wonder what’s going to happen next. So, let’s talk about it…

Old AND autistic… Talk about problems with change.

So, my first step on the journey. Focusing on memories of what once made me happy… and increasing that in my life… now.

Then, dropping “shoulds” that I could never hope to achieve. Which led me to examine everything and everyone that made me uncomfortable … and reducing contact with them.

I went through 6 phases.

But it was all one… long… surreal… roller coaster ride. Ups. Downs. Sideways…

But I found relief.

Now, I’m an analytical, self-reflective kinda guy. So I took notes. Then organized them. I worked with the traditional “6 stages”… but more of a “Relief” than a “Grief” model.

Poster: Headline “6 Phases of Autistic Joy.” By author.

{The 6 Phases: From My Late Diagnosis to Autistic Joy}

1. Waves of “That’s-Me, That’s-Not-Me.”
   I needed reassurance. Read as much as I could. Some brief counseling ends my doubt.
   But it took a year or two.

2. Myself. And everybody else in my life.
   I need to be angry. I’d been living in a dream state. Decades spent blocking out trauma.
   Another year or two, but I give up on whose fault it was.

3. Inside. Outside.
   I stopped faking that I know what’s going on.
   Asked for info when I need it.
   Worked on not masking. My “autistic behaviors” increase.
   Experiment with telling folks, “I’m autistic.” Store cashiers, customer service reps, waitresses… folks I have to deal with.
   Another year. Mebbe more.

4. I fucking give up. It’s never gonna get better. And no one gives a shit about me…
   6 months?

5. Accommodating.
   It took me THIS long to find the comfort to change. Finding one tiny change that feels a little better. Then another…
   Couple of years making changes for my comfort… not others’.
   I focus on 4 areas.
   - Reducing sensory input to comfortable levels.
   - Exploring actively stimming to reduce anxiety… and cuz I enjoy it!
   - Spending as much time as I need alone.
   - Making my passionate interests the center of my life. Not an NFT side hustle for the cash. Not to win the Nobel Prize. For the sheer joy of the creative moment… the process. Maybe do something meaningful for others.
   Couple years. Transcript’s got more info.

6. An occasional moment. Then another… a few weeks later. Then… a life worth getting out of bed for… and moments of joy.

The worst? About 3 years in. The best? Well, right now…

Call it 6 years til I tossed around the phrase “autistic joy.” Something I came to experience most days. In time.

Subscribe free to the email newsletter… never miss a post!

This is my journey. From disbelief to relief. To a chance for joy.

To my fellow autists, whether you’re diagnosed by a professional… or your own self-knowledge… I’m sure yours is unique.

So I hope this starts a conversation…

So, my first step on the journey to relief… and joy. Focusing on memories of what once made me happy… and increasing that… now.

Then, dropping “shoulds” that I could never hope to achieve.

Which led me to examining everything and everyone that made me uncomfortable … and reducing contact with them.

Look, I’m not out to blow toxic positivity up your pant leg.

Not every autist will run around turning handsprings, singing the “Hills are Alive.” And no one should imply that any autist who doesn’t experience joy is somehow deficient.

Trauma, disability, poverty, prejudice… these can crush joy in any life. Beyond any human effort.

Whatever our similarities at birth, our lives make every autistic person different.
Some autists pretty much always knew. After diagnosis? They carry on.
Some may feel surprise at first, but then great relief. Their lives finally make sense!
For some, finding other people who actually think and feel like they do? That’s immediate joy. Cuz… Who the freak knew.

But my tribe? We scour blog posts. Download podcasts. Flick thru videos. Binge Neuroclastic… Search for signs. Symptoms. Diagnoses. Anything written by a “real” autist. To ease our pain, confusion, anger…

Our ritual greeting might be, “I don’t know if I can hold on…”

“How long’s it gonna take? To just feel OK? Oh, uh, and btw, how’s by you? The family…?”

We need help. We need reassurance. We need freaking hope… And sometimes, official diagnosis doesn’t help at all. It makes things we’ve been dodging all our lives…

Um, painfully clear.

“Sails, Sea, Fog… and Hope,” original illustration by the author. Okay, Midjourney helped again.

Please note this is only my experience.

I have no intention of creating a system. Rigid symptom lists and recovery “methods”?

Despite everyone’s best efforts, they degrade into goals to compete… or fail at. Opportunities for folks to feel better than… or worse than. Opportunities for webinars. Books. Counseling. Professional fees…

I only write what happened for me. And hope reading it helps you reflect on your journey.

But I suspect joy is our birthright. In our wiring. There for the taking, if…

If we’re not overwhelmed by abuse, pain, illness, loneliness, poverty, bigotry, disability… societal prejudice.

We are hard-wired for joy. Could be all humans are. It just so happens that autistic joy… and the things that invoke it… are different for us than for other humans.

How long does it take?

Autistic joy is not a goal you reach. A state you achieve. It doesn’t solve all your problems. It’s not like enlightenment or anything. For me anyways.

“Ceci n’est pas une joie autistitique,” original digital illustration by the author.

I still fight doubt, depression, difficulty functioning. But my life now? A shit-ton better than, say…
2nd Grade…
Jr High…
My teens…
20s… 30s… 40s…
Nearly all of my 50s…

Turns out…
when the chaos dies down…
when the silence creeps back in…
when the stims and passions come out to play…
again…

Joy dawns?

One last story.

I’m one of those special screwballs who chased sainthood my whole life… Which is pretty funny. Considering a lot of things that I’ve done. And “grew out of.”

“Guru Cashtalks-ji,” another collaboration between author and Midjourney.

I was Catholic thru 7th grade… Then rabidly started chasing gurus… and enlightenment.

Which is a metric-shit-tonne funnier. Considering the lack of self-knowledge I possess. _Afte r decades and decades of meditation. AND autistic review & RE-review of every conversation… every note… EVERY party.

But I know from an over-amped drive for perfection.

Let’s say… I’m 70 now. Happiest time of my autistic life…

Not too worried about some fabulous unachievable autistic Nirvana… These days.

Now, here’s that story.

When my grandfather used to take me sailing out to Montauk Point…
a sea journey from Bay Shore, Long Island…
at least as he sailed it on the ocean side…
swinging out into the deep water…

“Slouching Toward Montauk,” original illustration by author and several AI helpers.

In his telling, it was a fabulous place.
Where the trees grew slanted from the constant offshore breezes.
The grass on the golf course grew sideways.

The wind carries all the sound away…
But its roar in my ears creates a kind of hushed silence inside me

“White Sea,” collaboration between the author and Midjourney.

I always experience high anxiety as we lose sight of the shore. Just sky, waves & constant rolling. Disoriented. Like a whiteout in a blizzard. If you throw in some seasickness.

But after an hour or so,
I make my way to the prow. And sit.

Wind on my face.
Sun on my body.
Salt breeze filling my chest…
Quieting my heart.

Anxiety? Disorientation?

I stop caring about the shoreline. And the anxious life waiting for me on the other side. For hours at a time.

Who cares about sailing toward Montauk and its fabulous trees… anymore…

Or.. ever again?

I’m busy breathing in…

this

moment

here

---

Further Reading

Here are some relevant articles. As always, read with care. Decide for yourself which points work for you. I do not endorse these articles. But I did find useful points in all. Whether you seek diagnosis or not, you may too.

• “Everything You Need to Know About Autism in Adults” Healthline

• “Autism Spectrum Disorder,” National Institute of Mental Health

• “How To Pursue an Autism Diagnosis as an Adult,” by Cleveland Clinic

• “Am I Autistic? A Guide to Diagnosis for Adults,” by Autism Awareness Centre, includes specific info for women.

• “Autism Tests for Adults: Self-Checks and Evaluations,” Verywell Health

Related Articles by Johnny Profane Âû

• “How to Get Diagnosed Actually Autistic… in Just 26 Years!”, Johnny Profane

• “My Adult Autistic Superpowers? Vanish like Schrodinger’s Weird CatUps. Downs. Sideways… ,” Johnny Profane Âû

• “Rediscovering Autistic Joy: My 4 Easy Shameless Ways as an Autistic Adult,” Johnny Profane Âû

• “How to Be Strong, Fearless & Actually Autistic Online,” Johnny Profane Âû

• “Not Everyone Was My Friend: Sexual Assault & an Autistic Life,” Johnny Profane Âû

• “Autistic Joy, Orgasmic Learning… & Ecstasy,” Johnny Profane

• “Designing My Home Around Adult Autism: 7 Principles,” Johnny Profane

Subscribe free to the email newsletter… never miss a post!

Support AutisticAF.me here: Paypal · Ko-Fi · Facebook Pay “ Johnny Knapp Âû “

Originally published at http://autisticaf.me on February 6, 2024.