Cold Open
I was not born to be pitied. I was born to raise Hell. Autistic style.
Intro
You’re listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 4. Breaking mirrors, dancing at the edge of noise, raising autistic hell. Autism, Neurodiversity, 3 Poems... and 3 Rando Manifestos. Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.
Content Note: trauma, sexual assault, self-harm, rage, transformative therapy moments + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice… 71.
[Music]
1953.
Manifesto #1
I was Born Autistic. Not to be Fixed…
I'm autistic. Born 1953.
I was not a product of a vaccine.
I was not a product of a disease. Mental or physical.
I was not a mistake. Genetic or epigenetic.
I was not born to be fixed by CBT, pill or chip.
I was not born to be pitied.
I was born to raise Hell. Autistic style.
[Music]
The static never stops.
Poem #1
Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise
#AskingAuDHDists…
bear with me a minute.
I'm autistic+ADHD.
71.
i feel like
a brilliant creative soul
as if…
trapped in a damaged body
& neurology
trying to communicate
with the world
through an intermittently
short-circuiting transistor radio
playing through static
& the distortion
& sparking circuits…
to just be heard.
do you understand at all what I mean?
#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #ReallyAuDHD
[Music]
Sometimes? The mask slips…
Poem #2
AFTER THE SECRET
I have strengths.
Not one is my superpower.
I have challenges.
Not one is my kryptonite.
I'm that kid in third grade
Drop
drop
Dropping
A mysterious blue crystal
Into that test tube—
Squealing in delight
Every time it explodes…
In purple streams.
I love cosplay.
But I don’t have to fly
Wear a mask
Or sport a cape
To be autistic.
Still…
I get to be the hero
or bald evil genius
of my own life.
[Music]
Neurodivergent life… twists different.
Manifesto #2
My Autistic Life: Mebbe a Little Zelig. Mebbe a Bit Forest Gump. But All Me.
Sharing our Neurodivergent stories is powerful.
I was born before autism was invented… More or less. 1953.
Been a meditation teacher,
cult member,
magazine publisher,
ad agency owner,
non-profit activist,
3-time grad student
3-time husband,
homeless,
mental health counselor,
substance abuse counselor,
cult counselor,
homeless,
fast-food clerk,
Pretend Rock Star,
homeless…
I’ve bantered with Bill Gates.
Felt stupid in front of Bill Joy.
Touched the Maharishi.
Stumbled on Keith Haring
Jumping turnstiles in the subway…
But…
I met anonymous geniuses
in cubicles,
bull pens
trailer parks,
on the street…
This is not my idle boast. This is my earnest promise. Ask the neurodivergent in front of you…
Have they got stories to tell you. Genius touches every life. Of every 'type. If you can perceive it.
So.
I have no credentials to offer. At least none that matters to me... anymore.
So I offer my life. My autistic life. Hoping better for our kids.
Because if nothing changes…
Content Note: Discussion of trauma statistics and sexual assault
Over 80% of them will experience trauma in their life. Interpersonal violence, bullying, sensory trauma, emotional abuse, and systemic discrimination. Nearly three times higher than average. And many autistic individuals experience multiple types of trauma concurrently.
Just as I did in the 1950s. Bullying by classmates & teachers. Physical attacks on the playgrounds. Sexual attack in the park. And in the home,
Trauma not from neurodivergence. Trauma from how modern society treats the neurodivergent.
[Music]
That clean, polite, clinical phrase… “trauma?” It has a personal face, a personal moment in every neurodivergent life.
This is mine.
Session #137. When memory breaks.
Poem #3
The Body Abides
"Like I told you
Nothing really happened
Can't sleep is all…."
He repeats his view,
"The body watches.
The body ALWAYS
Fucking watches."
"Yeah, he kissed me
Fathers do that.
Yeah, it was weird but…."
He whispers me,
"Your body, your witness.
And this witness ALWAYS
Fucking watches."
Then he leans in…
"What if he'd kissed
your sister's lips…?"
"I'd fucking kill him."
That's when…
i see me
in his mirror
watching myself
watch my self
transparently autistic
a son no more,
yet the body…
abides.
rage
dark rage
Screaming RAGE
i'd fucking kill him
fucking kill him
kill him
Him.
i rise…
so
slowly
and fucking smash that mirror
i rock, i sway…
i rub one red eye.
i stand, I stare…
I sigh, I say,
"My body watches
The body ALWAYS
Fucking watches…,"
As I close his office door…
I abide.
[Music]
Decades later. Still raising hell.
Manifesto #3
Now… About That Autistic Hell We Was Talking about Raising…
We ask awkward questions. And find new answers.
We see different. Make electrifying connections.
We feel patterns. To larger truths.
We are passionate
We adapt.
Survive.
Disrupt.
Transform…
Raising a fat middle finger
To normal.
Now, that’s the kinda hell… I’m talking about raising.
How’s about neurodivergent you?
One last thing…
be proud.
be proud you're autistic.
be proud you're alive.
despite everything people and nature...
life...
threw at you...
you're still breathing.
you’re still breathing…
no mean feat that. I know firsthand.
be proud.
be damn proud.
#ActuallyAutistic
Outro
In coming weeks, we'll challenge the medical model of autism, examining how neurodivergent individuals can build sustainable, authentic lives - with or without professional intervention.
AutisticAF Out Loud podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. Know a friend or family member with a sincere interest in neurodiversity? Please consider emailing this episode to them.
We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content. Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them. Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. Link in description.
Written in rage. Published in hope. December 2024. Greene County, Indiana.
To give a one-time tip to support this work: https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf
To offer ongoing support for my work, please consider becoming a paid subscriber…
Share this post