Autism? It’s a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group

Neurodiversity Unveiled. It’s a state of being. This episode cracks open the truth…

Feb 21, 2024

"Autistic Leopard Enters the Club," digital illustration by the author. Digital tools include AI. A leopard with realistic human-like eyes and facial expressions is opening a an ornate dark wooden door into a club. The leopard is wearing a red fez hat with the text "LEOPARD CLUB." The image suggests themes of membership and identity, akin to the discussion of identity groups versus individuality in the context of neurodiversity, as highlighted in the podcast episode "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group." — “Autistic Leopard Enters the Club,” digital illustration by the author. Digital tools include AI.

Neurodiversity Unveiled. It’s a state of being. This episode cracks open the truth. We dive deep… beyond labels. Into the heart of authenticity. Your journey. Your truth. Let’s explore them together…

Transcript

Intro

🚨Content Note

In this episode of AutisticAF Out Loud, I get pretty direct about issues in the Neurodiversity community. Whether you’re autistic, love one, work with some, or maybe… think you are one… It’s likely, I say something you disagree with. Let’s still stay friends… and talk in the comments. Could be we’ll find some truth together. Is there any other way?

I’d like to share a few thoughts. Then let’s jump right into the differences between a personal identity, an identity group, and the autistic traits we were born with. Once we navigate these waters together, let’s see if we can find our true autistic selves… beyond society’s labels.

I call this one…

Podcast here.

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Autism? It’s a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group.

You are born autistic.
There’s no initiation fee.
No secret handshake.

And you don’t need anyone’s approval to be autistic. It’s not like there’s a club they can kick you out of.

Maybe… they won’t let you sit at their lunch table. But you’re used to that. Right?

Just. Do. You.

Seems obvious. Or is it just me? Cuz…

"Autistic Shibboleth." Digital illustration by the author, tools include AI. Two leopards with human-like facial features and expressions are facing each other, one's paw gently resting on the other's, in a manner resembling a handshake or a tender exchange. The background is a dimly lit, misty forest. This image metaphorically represents the theme of connection and mutual understanding within the neurodiverse community, as discussed in the podcast "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group. — “Autistic Shibboleth.” Digital illustration by the author, tools include AI.

I feel a growing pressure to conform.

Today, it’s the healthy demand avoidance side of me speaking. My built-in “authenticity filter,” screening out anyone who casts shade on my individuality. With hidden motives.

See, I tend to… well, go nuclear meltdown around demands for conformity.

Whether from medical pros who diagnose me… defective.
Helping pros who counsel… that I become more like them.
Or even autistic advocates who define proper language… and correct attitudes… to “unite our people.

Look… I can NOT handle pressure.

That ain’t gonna change… this autistic lifetime.

I’m a slow learner of new thoughts. Given time, I write articulate prose. Given a multiple choice test, I suppose that I test high on intelligence.

But I learn… and change… at my own pace.

This means I thrive on patience and space. You can’t rush me. Or force me into a box. My growth and understanding unfold in my own autistic time. Not according to social agenda.

This is why, I want to talk about the differences between identity and “Identity Groups.” Particularly Toxic Identity Groups. I think you’ll see pretty quickly why this is crucial to me.

"Autistic Leopard Sits Alone," digital illustration by the author, tools include AI. A leopard is portrayed with human-like behaviors, finding his seat alone in a cafeteria, carrying a meta; tray with various compartments filled with different dishes. The setting is a busy cafeteria with people dining in the background, obscured by a hazy jungle atmosphere in the background. This scene symbolizes the podcast's discussion on "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group," emphasizing the right to individual choices and preferences, akin to selecting one's meal, in the context of one's life and identity, without sitting at the cool kids' table. — “Autistic Leopard Sits Alone,” digital illustration by the author, tools include AI.

Here are 3 different things.

An Identity Group.
People who share traits that bind them. So they hang. Could be their culture, politics… neurodiversity.
Think Armenian. Or Democrat. Perhaps Neurodivergent…
A Personal Identity?
It’s the real you. Your quirks, feelings, beliefs. Who you are inside.
Musician? Romantic? Loner? That’s you.
An immutable state of being.
It’s the part of you that you were born with. The skeleton that everything else hangs on.
Mostly genetics, some neurology, early life experience. And for some… your spirit separate from your life activity. Or group membership.

Tall doesn’t always mean “basketball player.” Beauty doesn’t equal “social.” Autistic? Maybe you’re a Professor X fan. Not so much Star Trek Picard.

Psychology, sociology, political theory, theology, all argue amongst themsevles about the specifics.

Hell, I use too many words…

Autistic Leopard can’t change his spots.
👉Immutable state.

Autistic Leopard has some… but limited… control over whether he’s a dick or not.
👉Personality or identity.

But Autistic Leopard chooses whether he swears loyalty to, pays dues to…. or follows the rules of… his Autistic Leopard Club.
👉 Identity group.

But. No. Matter. What… Our friend is still an Autistic Leopard. Can’t be cured. Can’t be fixed. Can’t be converted.

Doesn’t need a pro with a sheepskin to bless him. Or an autistic prophet to baptize him.

Autistic is who he is.

"Autistic Leopard Can't Change His Spots", digital illustration by the author, tools include AI. A leopard with a human-like expression of determination is humorously trying to lick and clean its spots, a playful nod to the idiom "A leopard can't change its spots." This image metaphorically suggests the theme of challenging the notion of fixed identities and the podcast's exploration of personal growth and transformation beyond preconceived labels. — “Autistic Leopard Can’t Change His Spots”, digital illustration by the author, tools include AI.

Back the Truck Up… Toxic Identity Group?

Most groups have rules. A golf club wants dues paid, divots replaced. A vegetarian club gonna diss you for leather shoes. Religion? Share their core beliefs… or go to Hell.

A group that wants to flex their identity? Might require members to dress, speak, believe, or act alike. Usually, leaders create rules to encourage group growth. But all too often, those directives personally favor the few who “run” the group. Some commandments may even harm members.

Gatekeepers? These are leaders or members who have more power than others. They make decisions, reward or punish individuals, decide who joins or gets kicked out. Ya know, they get to say who’s a real leopard. And who is not…

This power can protect, support, or welcome members. But some gatekeepers bully current or former members. Some outright steal from or sexually abuse the weak.

Conformists want everyone to be like them. Members must be pure… according to group standards. This can create unity, by sharing common values. Or it could magnify a social movement’s power to effect change. But pushy demands for pure language or belief? Gives them the power to impose their values on others. Or annoys and drives away potential friends and allies.

Then there are Evangelists. Enthusiastic, they believe they possess the right, true way. Spreading their message can raise awareness, educate others, or offer help. But sometimes, evangelists harrass, mislead, or shame others to comply.

All identity group traits can be useful. Or not.

Power structures can harm members… and non-members. When they do… that’s a “toxic” identity group.

I believe some exist in the autistic ally and advocate space. There is no point in dropping names. They would only be my opinion… essentially gossip. But in the four short years I’ve been actively writing about my autistic life…

I’ve been asked to sign loyalty oaths, swearing to follow the commands of higher ranking group members.
Criticized for behavior not “truly autistic.”
Asked for donations from organizations who simply do not report how they use their finances.
Frequently pressured to work for free for the benefit of autistic spokespersons.
Told that… for the “good” of the autistic community… I should drop my work and instead “join the team” of a more popular social media figure.
Condemned for language use.
Shunned for having social media “friends”… I barely know.

Look, this ain’t a list of complaints. Or a claim of victimhood. I’m doing just fine watching the craziness go by… and listening to my own gut.

This is a public service warning. These experiences aren’t just mine. I hear from autistic readers and listeners. Some feel their individuality is often overshadowed by group norms. Especially folks just discovering their authentic autistic identities for the first time.

There’s a special kind of emotional abuse that some call “abuse of trust.”

A parent, pastor, helping professional, a gym coach or justice warrior… Each has a sanctified role in our society.

Maybe there’s an instinctual hole inside the human heart. A junk-sick need to feel nourished and protected against the world. By Mom, Officer Friendly, Disney’s Lion King.

Abusers of trust sneak inside that hole. And use it against you. Be careful out there. Not everyone waving an Infinity Flag has your interest at heart.

If you’ve felt the sting of misplaced trust, or even the trauma of betrayal… find support that resonates with you. This might be a therapist skilled in navigating the trauma of abusive relationships. Or it might be a compassionate pastor. Or a friend whose judgment you value deeply.

Speaking of Infinity flags, tho…

Red Flags, Blinking Yellow Lights and Stanks to Avoid…

All my autistic life I’ve been gaslighted. Told I couldn’t trust my feelings and impulses. That to know the right thing to do I must first seek…
A parent’s approval.
An expert’s advice.
A teacher’s method.
A priest’s commandments.
A nutritionist’s diet.
A doctor’s blessing.
And above all… a university’s diploma. Preferably, a private university…

Maybe this works for typical humans. Or maybe it just makes a living for the professional class. I dunno. What I do know is that no expert I’ve ever paid understood my autistic life.

It was never true. I never needed an expert to know what I felt. I never needed a clock to know when I felt hungry. Even if I sometimes forgot to eat in the throes of creative passion…

And I ALWAYS knew when something made me feel icky. Once I stopped feeling guilty every time I didn’t feel the way they told me I should feel..

"Autistic Leopard Finally Gets Wise," digital illustration by the author, tools include AI. A leopard is seated in a serene forest, adopting a pose reminiscent of meditation, with its front paws resting gently on each other. The forest is shrouded in mist, creating a tranquil and almost mystical atmosphere. This image can be seen as a metaphor for introspection and finding inner peace amidst the journey of self-discovery and authenticity, themes that resonate with the podcast episode "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group." — “Autistic Leopard Finally Gets Wise,” digital illustration by the author, tools include AI.

So here is a simple list of things I look for when I meet someone’s new group.

I’m not advising you to adopt it. But it may give you some ideas.

Claims of superiority like racism, eugenics, sexual or gender discrimination. Aspie Supremacy is a good example.
Claims of inferiority for any other human group. Ya know? Some jokes about “neurotypicals” aren’t insightful. Just mean.
Any group organized around a single, exceptional human or exclusive group of founders. Gurus, philosphers, mad scientists, and… especially… genius billionaires all give me the willies.
Any group unwilling to offer public information on founders or board members. I need public accountability to offer my trust.
Nonprofit or for-profit groups that do not file annually with the IRS or other public oversight organization.
Overly using exotic or restrictive insider language. It may indicate high levels of control or manipulation.
Demands for purity or conformity. Even in the pursuit of the noblest cause, externally imposed conformity feels like imprisonment to me.
Complaints of current or former members.
Group hostility toward questions or disagreement. ANY talk of enemies, traitors, or heretics. Even meant to be humorous.

When I see a status structure, I resist.

Hierarchical structures and status roles are complicated for autistic me to understand. Therefore exhausting. Some research in the readings below shows that other autists feel the same.

And on top of that, I was in a religious cult for some 28 years before I broke free…

What I’m getting at is, I may be biased about rules and hierarchy.

But guru or garbage man, I’m likely to ask you who made you the boss? Even more, I’ll ask who made your rule? Who benefits? Who’m I hurting if I break it?

To the best of my ability, I think for myself. And make my own choices. Even when I admire or respect a cause.

I keep plenty of air between any group I support… and who I really am. And try not to confuse noble goals and language… with real-world actions.

I offer no advice to anyone. That’s not part of my identity.

I write only about my values. And look forward to hearing about your thoughts. Because, over time…

That’s how I learn.

Key Takeaways:

Autism is an innate state of being, not a choice or a club with membership criteria.
Personal identity is unique and varied, transcending simplistic group labels.
Cherish individuality amidst pressures to conform to external expectations or group norms.
Be wary of toxic identity groups that prioritize conformity over personal authenticity.
Seek supportive communities that respect personal autonomy and encourage open dialogue.
Trust in your own experiences and feelings as valid and informative, even when they differ from prevailing opinions or expectations.
Engage with groups and authority figures with a critical mind and a strong sense of self.